


X times the Avengers wondered about Toni's secrets

by Enmuse (Scifiroots)



Series: Starring Role [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secret Identity, Secrets, Tony Stark Feels, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-28
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 17:10:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1021257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scifiroots/pseuds/Enmuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of one-shots with a common theme. Each chapter will have its own summary, notes, and warnings since details vary. Each can be read separately and while I only have five specific ideas in the works, there could be more stories to fit here.</p><p> </p><p>  <b>Each chapter has individual warnings as needed.</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	X times the Avengers wondered about Toni's secrets

**Author's Note:**

> As NaNoWriMo approaches, I really wanted to work some more within the Starring Role universe since I plan to write for it during NaNo. I've had some headcanon I've wanted to share for a while, so here goes!

**Title** : In My Mind  
 **Rating** : Mature  
 **Word Count** : ~1800  
 **Warnings** : Warnings are spoilers, but potentially triggering content so skip to bottom chapter notes if you want a heads-up.  
 **Summary** : Steve had turned on the TV to find a show to fill the time before a team movie night and ended up clicking through the channels until a horrific image had captured his attention. (Or, the time that _In common area, someone/team is watching something that ends up triggering an unexpected flashback for Toni_ )  
\--- 

"You sure you want to be watching this, Cap?" Clint had asked when he and Natasha came into the media room. Steve glanced their way, noting the casual clothes and damp hair that indicated they'd just finished showering after a sparring session.

"I don't know," Steve had replied honestly. He couldn't think of anything else to say, but neither Avenger asked for an explanation. Natasha had merely dipped her chin in acknowledgment and taken a seat at Steve's side, close enough that their knees touched. The corner of Clint's lips kicked up in a brief, wry smile before he dropped onto the couch on Steve's other side.

Steve's attention returned to the television then, still tense but feeling more secure with his teammates ( _friends_ ) at his sides. He had turned on the TV to find a show to fill the time before a team movie night and ended up clicking through the channels until a horrific image had captured his attention. For a few minutes the narration hadn't sunk in and Steve had blurred memory with the images shown on screen. Back in the War, Steve saw more atrocities than he cared to name, and he knew that he had been spared seeing many others. The documentary's image of almost skeletal bodies of near-naked men made him want to retch. It wasn't until the image changed to desert scenery and video of modern military vehicles that he realized the material was more recent. With trembling fingers Steve fumbled with the remote to find the INFO button and get details of the show. The documentary had been made a couple years earlier and focused on reports of gross misconduct by United States military personnel in the wars with Afghanistan and Iraq.

Morbidly fascinated and appalled, Steve continued watching. He didn't hear everything the narrator said and sometimes he missed the text that appeared while people were talking to identify who they were; his mind drifted to nightmarish memories he'd tried hard to keep tucked away. He watched and listened, an idealistic part of him hoping for a magical ending where the narrator announced that the guilty were punished and successful policies had been enacted to ensure such acts were never committed again. The reality, he knew, would never be wrapped up so simply.

As the documentary continued after a commercial break, Steve's attention turned to the room around him as Natasha shifted on the couch. He glanced at her, but she wasn't looking at him as she settled into a new position that had her legs resting over Steve's lap. Glancing to his other side, Steve saw Clint's hand resting over the redhead's ankle. In contrast to the gentle touch, the archer's jaw was visibly clenched. Steve caught sight of Bruce sitting in one of the armchairs as he turned his attention back to the TV.

_"Reports from the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq became public knowledge as photos were leaked which depicted torture, physical abuse, and sexual assault. Furthermore—"_

The narration continued as photographs and even short video clips played on the screen. It was appalling but still in line with much of the earlier coverage, so Steve couldn't figure out why he sensed a change in his teammates' reactions. Then the show's focus turned specifically to reports of sexual abuse and rape. Steve's gaze flew to Natasha as he sucked in a breath. Something twisted sharply in his chest and he wasn't sure if he wanted to vomit or scream.

His sudden movement caught Natasha's attention and she stared at him blankly for a moment; then her eyes widened and she shook her head once. Just barely moving her lips, she mouthed, _"It wasn't me, Cap. I'm okay."_ A low, short noise that almost sounded like a growl came from Steve's other side. When he looked over, he saw Clint glaring sourly at the television, lips pressed thin.

"That's, uh, enough of that... I, uh..." Steve tried to find the remote, it had been on the couch earlier but since then two more bodies had joined the cushions. "Shit."

Clint suddenly chuckled and Steve looked at him in surprise. The archer wore an amused smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Jeez, never hear you swear off the battlefield, Steve."

Steve offered an uncertain smile in return. "I save it for my more idiotic moments," he said. "You, ah, seen the remote?"

"I might be sitting on it," Natasha said as she wriggled to the side.

A soft thump sounded from behind the couch and Steve turned his head to see who it was. Thor stood in the doorway with a giant bowl of popcorn cradled in one arm; just inches in front of him, Toni stood with her arms frozen midair like she was carrying an invisible load. A glance at the floor revealed the thump had been her bowl of popcorn dropping to the floor.

"I believe there is a ten second rule!" Thor announced as he peered down at the popcorn-strewn carpet.

"Toni?" Natasha said quietly, but the other woman didn't respond.

Toni's pupils were dilated unnaturally and her body seemed to twitch every once in a while. Steve stood quickly when Toni didn't respond to her name being called again.

Abruptly Toni sucked in a breath and she stepped backwards, knocking into Thor. She jumped away, turning towards the demigod with her arms up in defensive block. Thor bowed slightly and stepped away from the door. "My apologies for startling you." Steve stared blankly at him, surprised at the words when all he wanted to do was ask what the hell was going on and what he could do to help — clearly Toni wasn't alright.

Slowly, as if she had to force herself to do it, Toni lowered her arms. She looked away from Thor and stared at the floor. "What a mess. Look, I'll go make more while you guys get the movie sorted. Sound good? Great!" She scooped the bowl off the floor on her way out the door.

Natasha took Steve's wrist and placed the remote in his hand. "Let it go," she murmured. He turned to her, ready to protest. Natasha held up her hand. "Stay put, pick out something comedic or filled with action and ridiculous science. We'll be back in ten minutes." Without waiting for a response, Natasha slipped out the door.

As Steve turned around to face the TV, he heard Clint mutter in an undertone, "Afghanistan..."

Steve raised the remote and paused for a moment to stare at the diagram accompanying the narrator's explanation of water-boarding.

"Turn it off, Steve," Bruce said, sounding exhausted.

Steve changed the channel and then pressed the button to change to video input. "Someone... choose a movie. I have lousy taste."

Clint took the remote as Steve dropped onto the couch again. With a shuddering sigh, Steve leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and closed his eyes. After a couple moments, Clint resumed his earlier sprawl and knocked his knee against Steve's.

"Don't beat yourself up, Cap," he said quietly. "Shit happens and you're not going to know the specifics of what can set something off."

Steve clenched his hands. "I should've turned it off when you came in earlier. No one needs to see that." He swallowed hard and his voice came out distressingly faint as he asked, "Was she... I, I mean..."

"It's not our place to question, Steve," Bruce replied.

"You know, she's not the most stubborn person S.H.I.E.L.D. psychologists have to drag in for a session," Clint said. Every S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel, even members of the Avengers who were more tangentially related to the organization, had regular mandated psych appointments. "I hear Fury has a hissy fit about going in as soon as he thinks he's out of earshot of the lower ranks. Some days I really hate the shrinks, but..." He shrugged expressively, then clasped Steve's shoulder firmly. "Whatever it is, I can pretty much guarantee you she's already got someone working on it."

Steve rubbed a hand roughly over his face. He still felt shuddery and it was hard to get a full breath. "What if—?"

"Steve." Clint's firm tone got Steve to raise his head and meet his teammate's determined stare. "You need to stop wondering about it. At least for right now? You gotta pack that away and shove it aside. We're doing movie night here, we need to stick with the original plan. Before you go asking questions you can't take back, you need some distance and some calm consideration." His gaze flicked away for a long moment before he spoke again. "I can tell you that I wouldn't want to be asked." _But that doesn't mean you can't,_ Clint's body language indicated.

"Okay," Steve said quietly. He clasped his hands between his knees and stared at them silently until he heard light banter between Natasha and Toni coming down the hallway. "Thank you," Steve murmured, carefully not looking over at Clint.

"Didn't do nothing," the archer returned, tone light.

 _You trusted us,_ Steve thought as he sat up and leaned against the back of the couch. He could see Bruce skimming his fingers along the screen of his tablet and Thor throwing pieces of popcorn into the air before catching them between his teeth.

"What are we watching, boys?" Natasha asked.

"I demand laughter and making fun of the 21st century newbies!" Clint announced as he waved the remote like an overgrown wand. "JARVIS, my man, queue us up Eddie Izzard!"

Toni leaned over the back of the couch and poked Clint's shoulder. "Which one?"

Clint smirked in Steve's direction, then glanced back at Toni with a wink. " _Avec_ breasts?" She grinned back. "That'll be _Live from Wembley_ , J!"

"Loading now," the AI responded.

Natasha resumed her previous place at Steve's side. Unlike her usual preference of either sitting alone or next to Bruce, Toni settled herself on the floor in front of the redhead. Steve watched them from the corner of his eye as the show started and saw Toni lean her head back against Natasha's leg. He looked for signs of distress, but Toni appeared fully engaged in the comedy's opening. 

Clint's advice replayed in his mind and as much as Steve didn't want to simply let the incident pass, he made himself let it go. At least for now, he told himself. 

\--- 

**Warnings** : Discussion of Abu Ghraib events (including torture, abuse, humiliation, and sexual assault). Mention of water torture. Implied rape of a MC. Unanswered questions raised about Toni's captivity.  


 **Notes** : Title from "Still In Saigon" by The Charlie Daniels Band

Let's face it, the Avengers team is made up of a seriously screwed up group of people. Each of them has a lot of majorly dark things in their past and I'd estimate that most of them suffer some degree of PTSD even if it's not something that's forefront at all times. I'm intentionally vague about what triggers Toni here and yes I am implying that Clint has sexual assault in his past. Make of this what you will because for the moment, it's not so important about what the "truth" is in my headcanon (and I'll admit, I haven't firmed up many of my opinions yet) here, this is a short story meant to raise questions.


End file.
